Entry 74 by Ugwu Allen Chidi

I’ve been having this feeling of nausea for a week now. I have considered telling Rosco but the idiot wouldn’t even be bothered. And why not? He can’t take care of himself let alone a child. Moreover, I’m just a mad woman; who believes what a mad woman says? The painful part is that with this thing inside of me, I wouldn’t be able to enjoy my Rosco’s sweet “kporon” – didn’t I tell you? I have a name for it. I wonder what I’d do when it starts showing. What I dread most is the look of pity, which would follow as soon as people start realising that I have something growing inside of me. Well, first things first. I need to get to that stupid aboki and order my normal meal of indomie and egg.

I got to the mai-shai’s (that is what they are called in the north) spot and he already was attending to some customer. I ordered the same thing I’d always ordered and sat at a corner waiting while he prepared it. Five minutes later, I shovelled the first spoon into my mouth but as soon as it got down my throat, it took the next danfo out and emptied on the chair on which I sat. I tried to stand but the ground seemed more inviting. I wasn’t so sure how but next thing I knew, I was lying face up in a hospital. There were nurses milling around and a doctor close around. He must have noticed that I was awake as he walked up to me. He was fair in complexion, tall and some hunk of a man. Quite handsome to say the least and was that a bulge I was seeing in his black trousers?

Looking up from the clipboard he was holding, he smiled at me and announced

“ madam, I have good news, you are pregnant”

The fool ! Good news? What is good about that news? I am here trying to remove the bastard I am carrying and this good for nothing doctor is telling he has good news for me. I needed him to discharge me so I’d get back to my Rosco and his wonderful “kporon” .  What news would be better than telling me my Rosco’s waiting for me inside his danfo? Nothing I tell- absolutely nothing.

I turn towards the doctor and couldn’t help noticing that bulge again. It seemed to have grown bigger this past few minutes he stood beside my bed. Then a thought occurred to me.

“doctor…” I said, hoping my thought would correspond with reality.

“ yes madam, what’s the matter?” he replied

With my eyes barely leaving his crotch, I blurted out

“doctor, I wan fuck”.

16 responses to “Entry 74 by Ugwu Allen Chidi

  1. Quite a bold and very descriptive piece. Allen did justice with his blend of the English vocab and our own pidgin expression of what the ordinary man would have found provocative. As fictional as it seemed, such occurances are experienced often, in our esteemed “centre of excellence”, Lagos.
    Kudos to the author once again.

  2. nice one Allen, the rudiments are there…but pay attention to the grammar, the most hliarious ending i have read so far, a very nice twist!!! – ‘kporon’ indeed!!!

  3. Nice piece. D introduction of new slangs definitely works. Ʊ held ♍ε̲̣ reading till d end and d switch of tot frm pregnancy to f€!k is creative. Well done .

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